All I Do is Eat and Sleep and Sing

UPDATE: Reading this again, I didn’t catch that one of my tags was spelled wrongly. Apologies.

I slept really badly last night.

With my head resting against the corner of the bed and the small room as always, I imagined it blowing up to every corner. My eyes were bulging in turn, stretching out as my forehead became even more bulbous. It would be bad enough like this, but throughout the first hour in bed, it felt like I was being shaken back and forth with fluctuations, with the imagined expansion giving away to shrunkenness in a really cavernous, high-walled room.

Sleep should have been relief from a horrible day. That’s what you get when you can’t open up about stupid things that no-one can understand, and bottle up as a result.

I hate the internet right now. I would normally spend most of the morning switching from the work I’m supposed to be doing, to refreshing Twitter and Facebook but I just can’t bear it. As an aspiring journalist/lefty-liberal sheeperson, I should have very special (AND CONFLICTING!!!111) thoughts on the Johann Hari clusterfuck, but there’s so much shouting about hypocrisy, twittermobs and general entitlement issues that it’s difficult to concentrate - not that my daft stuttering non sequitur thoughts would get retweeted anyway - but I gave up yesterday afternoon in tears.

Like the earlier, similar Nadine Dorries situation, it’s really hard to explain to people close to you. “Mum, it’s nothing, I’m just taking arguments on the internet way too seriously again…”

After all, complaining about things on Twitter is stupid, right? It’s your fault for signing up in the first place and becoming addicted, isn’t it? I keep refreshing to see tweets on “If you don’t like it right now, take a break!” and “People keep going on about the Daily Mail/outrageous thing of note. We get it!” and if only it could be that easy. 

The trouble is, it’s hard to switch off when being surrounded by debates and bad news. You’re supposed to remain plugged-in, ready for activism, for fear of being deemed as one of those apolitical drones who only care about celebrity and relationships. And when you try to switch off…

As someone with an Autistic Spectrum condition, I know that sensory overload is the worst. I always tell myself that these situations are okay for me, but end up feeling alone and unsure what to do in the worst possible moments. Even in situations I’m used to, I still get that itching feeling when bad music is piped into places such as shops and busy restaurants. This is why I’ve always hated going for post-cinema Pizza Hut with friends as a result.

I think I have information overload too. Since I’m so uncomfortable in real-world social situations, I’ve used the internet as a crutch for relieving loneliness and venting fear and anger at the detriment of sleeping patterns and deadlines. Even when you do switch off - as I’m starting to do every weekend - you still remember this nasty Tweet you read once, and everything starts again. I don’t know how people brush it off so easily.

This rant should be on LiveJournal. It would be much easier here if I could reblog other people’s rants and go on about how stabby they make you feel about the world on their behalf, punching “THIS!” and “SMH!” into invisible walls. It’s so much harder to get people to actually understand you.